Memories
by Transantlanticism
Summary: Severus is remembering Lily, and needs a little reminding as to why he didn't kill himself when he had the chance years ago. SnapexLily, oneshot. Alternate ending included.


One-shot. Just finished Deathly Hallow and had to right this. I would also like tho say that I ALWAYS TRUSTED SNAPE, EVEN BEFORE THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. And I am not just saying that, thank you very much.

Alternate ending too at the end.

I sadly do own Harry Potter or Snape or Jk. Rowling or Scholastic or anything.

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Severus Snape stood at the front of the deserted Potions classroom. He had just finished instructing a particularly simple minded Hufflepuff class, and was irritible and weary. He wanted nothing more than to retreat into his study and leave the annoying students that seemed to infest every seemingly undisturbed corrider of this damn castle. Had he really been like that when he was their age? So proud and giddy? So _happy?_

A grim acknowledgment echoed in the back of his mind. He didn't fully accept the answer, as he didn't like to think of himself on the same level as the students that he pointlessly instructed, but he couldn't help seeing the tiny grain of truth.

Yes, he had been exactly like them, if not more so. Hogwarts was undoubtedly his home, the first and only place where he had a sense of security and safety. The first place where he had felt love.

_No, you mustn't go there, _Severus thought angrily. _Not right now._

Severus was very different from most people. Normal people led a life that had equal shares of happiness and sorrow. His had just been a wreck from the sorry day he was born. The single thing that had actually meant something to him had been taken from him by the one thing he had thought he could trust. But trust was an illusion, he knew. Everybody was just as much a traitor as he in some way. And everyone was blindedly mislead, having something wrenched from their hands the moment everything seemed okay.

A pang shot through Severus's heart, along with a intense wave of clear memories.

_The first day that he had spoken to her, the sunlight making her hair shine and her green eyes dance as she laughed._

_Their first trainride to Hogwarts_....A pang of hatred, red and sharp, jabbed through his chest_. Seeing Potter for the first time._

And later, much later...

_Holding her on that rainy day in the library, as she sobbed into his shoulder and how he had instinctively kissed the top of her head, barely brushing his lips against her hair....she had never known he had done that._

He snapped back to reality, to the dark dungeon and now vacant halls. Reality, was it? It was nothing more than the thing that tore happiness and dreams. What handed the winning cards to the people who had already won.

Snape barged out of the room and up the stairs two at a time. Without a word to Filch he ran through the front doors and out of the castle into the rainy, starless night.

He ran until he could run no more, and collapsed onto the wet grass. He was on the far side of the lake, the castle barely a shadow in the distance against the dark landscape.

Reality, was it?, that left him leading a miserable double life, watching over _his _son. What was he worth to him? What alligence did he bear? He had lost Lilly the moment that she had married James Potter. That had at least been the start.

When Dumbledore had found him, he really had wanted to kill himself. He had lost everything. He was a wretched, broken man, oblivious to anything but his grief. Looking at himself, he reasoned still was. He knew he couldn't outrun the memories.

Dumbledore had given him a way. He thrown himself at it, desperate to save her.

But even with great Dumbledore on his side, he had failed. He had always failed.

And then, Dumbledore, again, had shown a way. A purpose. Severus wondered why he had even seen that it was worth it. Why should he protect James Potter's son? His depression had only sunk deeper.

He remembered Dumbledore's voice.

_"She has her eyes, the exact color and shape. Certainly you remember them?"_

That was both the best weapon and curse that could have been used against him. It cut through him like an icy knife, and also made him slave to the boy. As long as he lived, he with her eyes, she would. And he would be caring for her even after she was gone. Even James Potter wouldn't have that priveledge, to be able to care for his own son.

The thought was comforting to his twisted mind.. He succeeded when James had not. He would care for his son whe himself he couldn't.

Revenge on Potter, and being able to still care for Lily. His one success.

And then there was the boy himself. There was so much of his father in him. He remembered seeing him for the first time. He had been trying to maintain a conversation with Quirrel (At Dumbledore's orders, of course...not that he would have bothered to associate himself with anyone if he could help it...) and had spotted the back of his head. Just seeing the out of control mess of jet black hair, and he knew who he was.

He stared at the boy, transfixed, and held in place by the burning hatred. And then the boy, as if he had felt the gaze searing into his head, turned around and stared at Snape in return.

Their eyes met. _Her _eyes.

Severus had torn himself away from the contact, his heart pounding. His brain wasn't functioning right, his heart couldn't really be beating that heavily. Dumbledore, being Dumbledore, had sensed his distress and glanced at him understandingly. The time had come to fulfill his end of the deal.

Why did it seem he always got the worst end?

Despite his attempts to provoke, torment, distress, and annoy Harry, who, at first, seemed so much like his father, Severus could not help but start to feel a sense of admiration and understanding. As the years went by, he had shown to be, as Dumbledore had said, that he was his mother's child. He saw the caring nature, the desire to save, the thirst for justice, so much like his mother. As much as Severus hated to admit it, he had started to care for Harry Potter.

But he still wasn't Lily. Severus was not one to let go of the past. He held grudges, he never forgave and never forgot. For some, the memories, both painful and beautiful, would have begun to dull and fade over time. For Severus, every moment was as clear as if it had just happened. And he wallowed. He spent hours letting the memories wash over him, sending tears rolling down his face and the feeling of his heart severing in two. Nothing had changed since the night she had died. The wounds were still there, open and bleeding.

His cry of anguish tore through the night. Birds flew soared away and he saw a doe scamper away out of the corner of his eye._ A doe, _he thought miserably, _It had to be a doe._

Now he was shaking uncontrollably, his shoulders heaving and tears mixing with the rain. He threw his head back and cried, cried for her, cried for himself. What was life, if this is what you had to face? Who's power was it to take everything from him, to leave him like this? Who ever cared for old Snivullus, anyway? The cruel, greasy haired, intolerable Potions master? Severus Snape had never given a damn about anyone, and the one person that did matter had been his world. The one thing he had ever wanted, ever cared for, had been taken. Gone. _Gone..._

He must've cried himself to sleep, because when he came around, he was lying on the wet grass, freezing all over, and had the horrible headache you had after crying for hours. He liked it and he hated it. It was exactly how he was. Everything was cold and unwelcome. A fog hung over the lake, blocking sight form seeing what lay below, and a slight breeze blew across the sea was making it twice as cold than it normally was. It was silent, dead almost. Just like him.

_Maybe I could just stay here. _he thought. _No one would notice._

A small, shuffling noise alerted him of another's prescence. Severus didn't move, and squeezed his eyes shut, willing it to go away. _Leave me alone._

He felt something light fall onto his back, and a gentle force pull him to his unsteady feet.

Piercing blue eyes stared into his, and he felt an arm around his shoulder. He realized that he now had a blanket over his shoulders. It felt nice. Warm.

Dumbledore began leading him slowly back to the castle, not saying a word. Severus felt deeply touched by this. He felt vulnerable, like a young child being led home after being lost. He felt a small glowing, golden warmth in the center of his heart. The orange lights that shone through the windows of the castle suddenly looked a hell of alot more welcome than the freezing patch of grass. He stared at Dumbledore, who still had his arm around Severus. It struck him that, nomatter how hard he tried to push people away, his deepest desire had always been to have a loyal, unwavering companion. To care, and to be cared for in return. As Dumbledore led him through the large oak doors into Hogwarts, he felt as if he were finally coming home.

So corny, i know......but how else can u do it?

**ALTERNATE ENDING**

A small, shuffling noise alerted him of another's prescence. Severus didn't move, and squeezed his eyes shut, willing it to go away. _Leave me alone. _

He felt something light fall onto his back, and a gentle force pull him to his unsteady feet.

His eyes were still closed, but he now felt oddly peacefull, as if he were finally going to sleep after a long time. He felt himself being led deep into the forest. Whoever was leading him made sure that he didn't trip or fall, and he barely felt more than a branch brush against his arm.

They stopped.

He felt warm breath against his ear, and a voice said, "Sev, you're home."

His heart stopped.

_She _was here. He felt her arms wrap around his neck, and her lips brush gently against his. He breathed deeply, taken in her sweet scent. If he hadn't felt her there, he would never have opened his eyes for fear that it wouldn't be true. He had had dreams like this before, and he half believed that this was one. But it was to livid, too real.

He was kissing her back, knowing that this couldn't last, it was too good to be true.

She spoke again. "Sev, you know it's okay to open your eyes. I'm not going anywhere."

He reluctantly opened his eyes. He saw her, the sparkling emerald eyes, the dark red hair cascading down her back. She had a golden glow to her, as if she wasn't quite of this world, but something more.

He couldn't find words. His eyes were stung with tears, and they began to roll slowly down his face. This couldn't be, it just couldn't be...

She took her hand and softly brushed her hand against his cheek, wiping away the tears.

That did it. He was sobbing again. He fell to his knees and sobbed, he felt her arms around him, he felt her kissing his head, and that only made him cry harder.

She drew away edventually, although the tears hadn't abated, and he saw that she was crying too. "Oh, _Sev._" she whispered.

She took a deep, shaky breath and said softly, "You're free now. You did your part. You'd suffered enough." Her voice caught, and more tears spilled down her face. "You've suffered more than enough."

"But what?....where?"

"_Shhh._ It's okay. You're home now. With me."

_;). Yet again, corny...Put plz r and r anyway._


End file.
